Dear Prof. Crouse, I ran across your web page when I was looking for more compewter games. I am a student here and I wonder if I can get 3 college credits for reading your web page and ansoring some multiple choice questions about it? If you want me to anser some essay questions or write a terme paper about your web page, forget it. I don't have the time because I am currently playing about ten comphewter games a day. I really like the games without words to read. I can get really high scores on those games, especially if I play them for eight to ten hours a day. Do you have some compooter games on your web page? I might have missed them in between all of those words. Just what does "hydraulic" mean anyway? But maybe your web page is one of those new courses you educational professorionals call problem-laced. Well what if I get my friends to help me ansor the questions together, as a group? We did that in one class I took. We got the smart kid to do all the work and we just sat around snapping rubber bands at him. I don't suppose you know a smart kid, do you? I have to get back to NinjaSuperTendoItis Attack, a really keen game. Get back to me. I need those credits just like any other student who pays tooition. --Bobby Quill. almost a sofmore

Dear Dr. Crouse: I have now read your web page many times over and I am convinced--way beyond a reasonable doubt--that you need to run on the Ross Perot "America First" ticket. Ross is the boss and Jim is the teacher boss. What a duo! With his wit and your wisdom, you can knock off old man Dole and Big Mac Clinton. Do you want me to get Larry King to call you this week for an interview? If he loves to have Ross on his show, why he'll positively sputter when he meets you face to face. ----- Timothy K. Limberton, licensed realtor, certified personal trainer, and well-known personal manager of media figures

Dear Mr. Crouse--I am a principal at a small middle school here in the midwest. We need more men like you in the higher reaches of education theorizing. My whole school is now using your latest teaching technique video, "Rote is Right". We have the students line up on the kickball field and they all recite their math facts until lunch break. I can't wait to see the test scores! -----Name withheld for fear of administrative retribution

Dr. Crouse--I was looking for the Dr. Scholl web page when I came across your page. You're a doctor, so what do you recommend for flat feet anyway? And while I'm at it, have you ever found anything for sinus congestion--you know, when you get up in the morning and your whole forehead aches? -----Stan Lutowski, appliance repair services

Prof. Crouse, we are looking at one of your papers and we couldn't make sense of the numbers in it. Where did you learn to add, subtract, and divide anyway? -----Gabe Mirabelli, Institute for Quantitative Research

Man, like I was looking for the porn stuff when I ran across your web page. I really wanted to see some of those triple X-rated things, but your pictures are really sick man. See a damn dentist! Get a hair weave! You need someone to pick out your clothes, too. I don't care how many things you have published. You need to spend more time hanging around on 42nd street in the Big Apple, fella. --name indeciperable

Dear J Crouse, I have visited your web page each day for a month. I have lost 20 pounds so far. It has toned and firmed me. I no longer worry about cellulite. Thank you! --a formerly out of shape schoolteacher

Mr. Crouse: I find your web page to be an abomindation. How dare you say the things you do? I am proud to be in my profession. I am an important person--just ask me! I work at an important institution--just ask the people who run it! I live in an important country--we all know that, except some turncount like yourself! Shame on you! I will never buy another station wagon from your firm again! --J. Stillwell Nathatikoate

We love you man. Just remember, we love you. It isn't as bad as you think. There is light at the end of the sewer pipe, fella. Remember, we're with you man. -- Born Again Inmates of America, Mid-Atlantic States Chapter

Professor Crouse: I am afraid that I must inform you of--how shall I say?--a most unlikely happening. Three of your publications are virtually identical with seven of my publications. How could this happen--and don't talk to me about some monkeys in a room with typewriters! I think that we need to have a discussion that involves lawyers and academic administrators, which parties may or may not be the same. ---Professor Rizwelt Ubersouthen