Or Just Call Me Kim

By Andrew Marlatt

Sunday, December 14, 2003; Page B02

Since February 1974, when current North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was unofficially chosen as the successor to his father, Kim Il Sung, North Korean newspapers and broadcasters have used more than 1,200 terms of endearment to refer to the son, according to the North's state-run Korea Central Broadcasting Station. . . . Some examples: Matchless Hero Who Rules the World With Virtue, Great Leader Who Opened a New History, Top Representative of Revolutionary Integrity. . .

-- The Chosun Ilbo

newspaper, Seoul, Nov. 21, 2003

Like a gift from the gods, or perhaps from Kim Jong Il himself, a list of the Glorious One's titles landed in my in-box last week. Herewith, a sampling:

Sun of the 21st Century

Guardian Deity of the Planet

Master Teacher of Philosophies

Walking Computer Who Surprises Experts

Curried Lamb of God

Great Human Veteran

Invincible General

Glorious General

Glorious Commander

Gloria Steinem

Guiding Sun

Eternal Sun

Sun of Life

Sun of Hope

Partly Sunny, High of 68

Sunlight

Moonlight

Mao Light

A Third Less Calories Than Your Regular Mao

Master of Technology

Master of the 21st Century

Key Star of the 21st Century

Master of Technology Who Can Send a Fax Without Pressing the *Star Key

The Man Who, If Guns Were Outlawed, Would Have All the Guns

Lode Star of The New Millennium

Creator of the Good-Ruler Philosophy

Big Man on Kampuchea

Miss December 1986

The Heart of Korea

The Guardian of Korea

The Korean Guardian

The Korean Guardian & Dispatch

The Korean Guardian & Dispatch Sunday Magazine

The Faminator

K-Lo

J-Diddy

Run DMZ

The Man Who Puts the 'od' in 'God'

The Saddam of Kangwon

Calamity Jong

Erica Jong

Mr. Kimjong Ils

Kim Jong the Vicious

Kim Jong Ilicious

Superb Leader

Supreme Leader

Superior Leader

Superior Asian Male 61, ISO Worshipful Asian Female for State-Approved Fun, Restricted Travel and Unilaterally Satisfying Relationship

Heavenly Genius of Human Music

Genius of Art and Literature

The Jesus Nut on the Axis of Evil

The Axis of Wisdom

The Genesis of Wisdom

All-Wise Father

Genius Wise Man

Samwise Gamgee

Kim Bizkit

Human Computer Who Calculates

Victories Five-Foot-Three and Ready to Lead

The Real Deal Kim Jong Il

Actually Not Five-Foot-Three, More Like Six-Foot-Six; Oh Thank Heaven He's Seven-Foot-Eleven

Sky of the People; Omnipotent Deity Who Rules Earth and Sky But Still Can't Find One Damn Copy of the Paris Hilton Video on the Internet

Mini Mao

Andrew Marlatt is the author of "Economy of Errors" and the creator of SatireWire.com.