Sending your first child off to college can be a traumatic-or at least unsettling-experience for parents. How will your life and parent-child relationship change? Some parents celebrate their child's independence and embrace their newfound freedom. Others mourn the loss of a close friend and find themselves missing that daily connection. And, still others fall somewhere in between, gradually adjusting to life without that ever-changing young adult in the house. To give new UD parents a sense of what is to come, the Messenger spoke to a number of parents who have "been there, done that." Their insights and advice may help newcomers to UD parent ranks cope more easily with their own transitions.

It's the pits. It just is not fun," says Gemma Cabrera, describing the feelings she had when daughter Cristina, now a senior, first left home to study at UD. Declaring that she still misses her daughter tremendously, Cabrera also expresses support, pride and some degree of acceptance that Cristina is doing what she must-moving on, becoming independent and finding her own way. ?

"You need to let them go," Cabrera says. "Give them their space. They need that independence. They need to prove themselves."

Most parents experience some very complex feelings when their children leave home for the first time. Transitioning from the role of daily care-giver to occasional correspondent can be disturbing. The parenting role has changed so suddenly and dramatically, it is natural to feel a bit off-kilter.

"Our three-member family was immediately reduced by a third. There was an ache in my heart," says Mary O'Reilly, whose daughter, Kate, is now a junior. "When your family is the main care-giver for the child, it is hard to think that she will get everything that you could give her. But, she will."

While the Cabreras and O'Reillys maintain weekly or even more frequent telephone contact with their daughters, the Fischer-Hoffman family has experienced something entirely different. Sage Fischer-Hoffman, son of Joanne Fischer and Eric Hoffman, was more than ready for independence when he left home. "He had been constrained by being at home, in that usual teenage-and particularly male-way. It was clearly time for him to be living someplace else," says Hoffman, a UD philosophy professor.

Though Hoffman's wife, Joanne, was interested in figuring out ways to have more frequent contact, they both realized the need to give Sage his space. "His work is to be creating something independent, and our work is to support him in his independence," says Hoffman. "Although he is only an hour away from home and less than a mile from my office, we may go a month at a time with barely a contact. And, that is fine. He can find us when he needs us, and we can find him. We all appreciate the relationship in its new form."

Certainly, parents deal with their emptying nests in many different ways. But, most will admit that they have enjoyed a few benefits relating to their child's departure. Mary O'Reilly spends more time with women friends and does more volunteer work in the community, while her husband, Michael, went back to school to continue his own academic endeavors. Gemma and Joaquin Cabrera took up canoeing and have "rekindled" their marriage a bit, taking time to go out to dinner or lunch more frequently. They also spend more time with their 14-year-old son.

The Fischer-Hoffmans, meanwhile, have enjoyed watching their daughter blossom in their son's absence. "She did much better in school and was more disciplined, partly because she wasn't so distracted by her relationship with him, the talk of college and all the other things that seniors in high school do," says Hoffman. "She can be in touch with him now, but he's not in her way."

While the sense of loss may still be very real, parents also express pleasure with the new role that has evolved for them. "We've relinquished the parent role in terms of day-to-day maintenance," says Mary O'Reilly. "It is now a more soulful, more intellectual, fun-based relationship."

Gemma Cabrera notes that advice is still given, but it is less frequently taken. "It works much better if I become a friend," she says. "I will always tell her things as her mother-I take that job very seriously-but I'm also becoming more of a friend."

The Fischer-Hoffmans still offer typical parental reminders ("Call your grandmother!") but they let Sage decide how frequently to have contact with them. "Every now and then, we get calls and he's a regular 'Chatty Cathy,' telling us all about what is going on. Or, he'll pop into my office when he needs money or wants to show me how well he did on a test," Hoffman explains. "I think it's been wonderful."

For new UD parents, the veterans have a range of advice to offer. "Don't let them see you cry," says Mary O'Reilly. "That only makes things worse. Let go and trust in them."

"Don't lose communication even if they don't call you back. And, don't just ask what they're doing. Tell them what you are doing. You still have a life, too," says Gemma Cabrera. "And, don't change their room."

Eric Hoffman notes that they considered changing their son's room, but they decided to leave it as is for now. Despite the fact that Sage has been home for a total of only six days during the past year, they expect that he may still be attached to the posters of his high school teammate Koby Bryant, who is now an NBA star.

Finally, O'Reilly assures parents that their kids are in good hands at Delaware. "The University is such a wonderful place. The beauty of the campus is one thing, but the people behind that beauty are just so dedicated and willing to do everything they can for your child," she says. "Knowing that should give parents the confidence to be able to get in their cars and go home."

-Sharon Huss Roat, AS '87