University of Delaware
Office of Public Relations
The Messenger
Vol. 6, No. 1/1996
Comforting Strategies

     Okay. The love of your life has just walked out the door.
Gone. You're devastated. If you're a young woman, you call your
best girlfriend. If you're a young guy, you call your best bud or
a platonic female friend.
     Are you hoping he or she will say?
     "...You're acting like this is the end of the world, not the
end of a relationship. It's crazy to make yourself so miserable
over something you can't control!"
     Or, would you rather hear?
     "...It's really frustrating to have someone end a
relationship so suddenly, especially if you thought things were
going okay. This probably doesn't count for much right now, but
I've been where you are. I think I understand how awful you must
be feeling, and I'm sorry."
     Wendy Samter, UD associate professor of communication, has
studied the types of comforting words people want to hear and
those they actually use, and she's assessed the range of
sensitivity and effectiveness of comforting responses.
     Students in a survey were asked by Samter to rate a
continuum of responses a friend might give them upon learning of
various emotional crises, such as the break-up of a long-term
relationship, an impending parental divorce or the loss of a
scholarship.
     Responses at the low end of the spectrum-rated as the least
sensitive and the least effective-typically denied the distressed
person's feelings and included such phrases as, "You really
shouldn't be upset" or "This, too, shall pass."
     Responses at the other end of the spectrum-rated as highly
sensitive and effective-acknowledged the other person's feelings
and made some attempt at empathy: "I know how awful you must
feel."
     Studies have shown that, when placed in the role of
comforter, people often fall short, giving the responses at the
lower end of the scale, Samter says.
     "That may be because comfort is often hard to ask for and
hard to give," she explains.
     "Asking for comforting and emotional support immediately
puts a person in a sort of one-down position," Samter says. "And,
giving comfort can be very demanding. Not only is it tough to
deal with someone who is emotionally distraught, but it may
remind us of our own fears and weaknesses."
     It's also a somewhat difficult subject to study. "We can't
just walk into a public place and find people sobbing and being
comforted," Samter says.
     But, it is possible to stage a comforting session, which is
perhaps the next best thing.
     "We've done studies where we've had two people come into the
lab to fill out questionnaires," Samter says. At one point, we
have them read a passage about an unfaithful husband and one of
the people (our confederate) breaks down, saying she can't read
any more because the same thing has just happened to her.
     "We videotape people's reactions, and we've seen everything.
The reactions range from people who just look at the stricken
woman and go on reading the questionnaire, to people who say it's
not their problem and they have to get the questionnaire
finished, to people who take 40 or 50 minutes to sit and talk and
maybe even offer to meet her again if she needs to talk more,"
she says.
     Traditionally, women are better comforters than men, Samter
says, but her studies show that, when it comes to wanting
comfort, men and women are more alike than different.
     Samter found men and women respondents preferred the same
comforting responses, although, overall, the act of being
comforted was slightly more important to women than men.
     "For young adults, the emotional support provided by same-
sex friends appears to be
an important vehicle through
which minor hurts and disappointments are managed," she says.
"Research indicates that the provision of emotional support is
not only a key feature around which young adults organize their
same-sex friendships, but also a significant communicative
activity in which they engage.
     "Studies of friendship conceptions suggest that young adults
expect same-sex friends to 'be there' in times of emotional
distress, to 'help out' when traumatic events occur and to listen
and work through problems," she says.
     "Given this pattern of findings, it is not surprising that
young adults see same-sex friends as their primary source of
emotional support and actually turn to friends [as opposed to
family members or romantic partners] for help and advice during
times of minor distress," Samter says.
     These conclusions are limited, she points out, because they
are based on samples of white, middle-class Americans. So, in her
recent work, Samter has begun looking at the role emotional
support plays in same-sex friendships of individuals from
different ethnic groups, including Asian- and African-Americans.
     In one study, Samter and her colleagues asked Euro-, Asian-
and African-Americans to complete three different questionnaires
designed to assess their perceptions of:
     * the importance of comforting skills in same-sex
friendships;
     * the relative significance in situations requiring
emotional support of affective goals (such as "helping them talk
about their feelings" or "allowing them to blow off steam")
versus instrumental goals ("giving them the right advice" or
"helping them solve their problem"); and
     * the sensitivity and effectiveness of various comforting
strategies.
     The results showed both similarities and differences in how
members of different cultural groups viewed various comforting
messages and the task of providing emotional support.
     For example, every ethnic group rated affective goals as
more important to pursue than instrumental goals in situations
requiring support. And, every ethnic group rated high-level
comforting strategies as more sensitive and effective than low-
level comforting strategies. But, Euro-Americans placed a great
deal more emphasis on comforting and its attendant behaviors than
either Asian- or African-Americans.
     "The largest differences we observed," Samter says, "were
among women."
     According to Samter, there are two explanations for these
findings. On the one hand, they may result from the use of
measuring instruments that imply comforting is best accomplished
through talk.
     "Obviously, emotional support can be delivered through a
variety of other means," she explains. "Some, like nonverbal
demonstrations of affection, may be especially appropriate within
Asian- and African-American communities. "Alternatively,
comforting and emotional support may be less central to the
conduct of same-sex friendships among Asian- and African-
Americans than it is among Euro-Americans. Only future research
can tell us which of these interpretations is correct," she says.
     Ultimately, Samter would like to use her research to develop
comforting workshops. She is especially interested in applying
them to young children who need to enhance their communication
skills to avoid being rejected by peers.
     "Believe it or not, comforting is an important predictor of
whether a child will be accepted by his or her peers," she says.
"And, peer acceptance has all sorts of consequences for healthy
long-term development."
     From her current project, interviewing terminally ill
children about what they find comforting, she says she hopes to
be able to develop materials for parents and doctors.
     Samter started studying comforting strategies as a graduate
student at Purdue University.
     "I had just lost some people in my family and one of my
professors was studying comforting strategies. Those two things
combined convinced me that this is what I wanted to do."
     Currently, Samter is on sabbatical leave, working as a
visiting scholar in communication at the University of San
Francisco. 
                                                -Beth Thomas