Volume 13, Number 1, 2004
Madeline Lambrecht, director of the College of Health and Nursing Sciences' Division of Special Programs, recently became president of the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC). ADEC is the oldest interdisciplinary organization in the field of thanatology, the study of dying, death and bereavement.
An international professional organization, ADEC has 1,800 members from 14 countries and is dedicated to promoting excellence in death education, care of the dying and bereavement counseling and support. Its members include educators, nurses, clergy, hospice personnel, physicians, social workers, psychologists, funeral directors and their staff, philosophers and mental health professionals.
Here, Lambrecht shares her thoughts about helping the dying and their loved ones ease the pain of bereavement:
Q: Can anyone really ease the pain of someone who has lost a loved one, or is it just a matter of time?
A: No one can take away the pain felt by the bereaved. However, we can do much to support them during this very difficult time. Our first inclination is to stop their tears, to help them think of happier times, but this is not really helpful. We act this way because of our own discomfort at seeing someone else in obvious pain.
What we can do is simply offer our presence by sitting beside them, listening, calling frequently on the phone. Allowing them to tell their story is a way of helping them face the reality of the loss and begin the adjustment process. If we cut off their efforts to weep, to rage at the unfairness of the death, to retell their story, we do them a great disservice because this postpones their grief.
Notice that I did not speak of "resolving" their grief. There is a saying, "Once bereaved, always bereaved." This means that we always carry our losses with us. They hurt less over time but are always present.
Q: Is there a difference in the way we grieve and in how we should be comforted when someone has been taken suddenly?
A: There is often the belief that an expected death is easier because one has time to prepare, to say goodbye. As an example, some would say that a spouse whose husband died at age 82 after 51 years of marriage should be thankful for all their years together and, while sad, should be expecting this at his age. This reflects the youth-oriented emphasis of our society. Wouldn't one think that the more time spent together, the harder the separation? Just because advanced age brings death doesn't mean that it hurts less.
Q: How can friends and family help those who are dying?
A: We can help the dying by helping them to live each day to the fullest. The gift of your presence is the greatest gift you can offer to the dying. Take time to stop by for a short visit, telephone, e-mail, write a letter, run an errand. Too often, we avoid the dying because we have no idea of what to say or do. Just be yourself. Take your cue from the individual. The dying enjoy a good joke as well as the rest of us.
If they bring up issues related to their illness and possible death, don't interrupt, just listen. If you try to change the subject, you may have closed the door for good. If they ask for your thoughts, share them, but don't try to tell them what to do.
It's sad that we wait until someone is dying to talk about quality of life. I believe we should make quality of life an everyday issue. Life comes with no guarantees, so take time to enjoy a beautiful sunset, the dewdrop on a late blooming rose, a cardinal sitting on the bird feeder, the waves breaking near the beach or a baby's smile.
Q: Society treats the death of a friend as something less traumatic than that of a family member. Is that a correct assumption, or can the death of a friend be as devastating?
A: The death of a friend can certainly be as devastating, or more so, than the death of a family member. We live in a society in which the grieving rules are based on blood ties.
For many years, clinicians were seeing clients whose grief was unrecognized and unsupported because their relationship with the deceased--gay/lesbian, extramarital, friend, neighbor, colleague--did not fall within societal criteria. In some cases, the survivors--young children, the aged, the mentally challenged--were thought incapable of grieving. In other cases, such as abortion, pet loss, surrogate motherhood, etc., society did not recognize the loss as significant. Survivors were at risk of experiencing disenfranchised grief, meaning that they fell outside society's criteria for legitimate grievers. Friends are clearly in this category.
Q: Is there some guidance for parents in talking about death to children?
A: If we can introduce information about the life cycle, including death, into the school curricula, individuals will be much better informed by adulthood. Unfortunately, parents are often unable to discuss such issues with their children. However, there are many fine children's books that could serve as the basis for ongoing discussion. I recently prepared a book purchase list containing books for children from 3-12 years old.
Often, parents ask me if young children should attend funerals, and I tell them that it should be the child's choice, but they first need to offer a simple explanation of what to expect. They should never be forced to participate. Including children helps them to feel part of the family and to begin to understand death as a part of life. Many funeral homes have staff who are professional counselors to help families with such issues.
--Barbara Garrison